A Letter to my old-self

Dear Little Teen Me...,

I am you just the older self. And recently I have been thinking about you a lot , so I wanted to pen down a letter for you although you can't read it just because time travel is impossible. The things that are happening here are the once you have once thought as "what if this happpens'' and trust me it's quite scaring. but that's not what I came here for, the reason for me to write a letter for you is because lately I'm constantly remind of you in my prayer. Yes, it is true I'm more spiritually connected with God almighty which I thought never possible when I was you. I'm sorry that I wasn't so strong when I was you, I'm sorry I trusted a lot of people in our life who are not worthy to be trusted when I was you, I'm sorry just because of my stupid over trusting on wrong people , you suffered a lot. But it's all the worth, because of the wrong decisions made by us we learnt many things about friendship, loyalty and trust and you'll find in later part of your life in which I am now. The important thing I want you to know is that "Trust yourself" and don't listen what others tell you, they will bark at you, pull you down , constantly abuse you with their words like they'll say you are good for nothing or a slut or whore or fake or a wannabe[negative] and so on... but trust me you are not what they say, you are more than those words. I'm sorry that I was unable to identify that we were so depressed from early school days itself and yes later you'll find out that you were in depression and you'll come out of it and be happy just like how you always wanted to be happy with geniune smile on your face, euphoria in your heart.

Don't listen to people who say to you that your own God will curse and punish you or when they say that you are a personification pride and other hateful comments on you. I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough to shout that those people and point them out for not being a good friends or rather friends, and because of us being vulnerable in our school days you got locked inside a cold dark rest-room, suffered panic attack which at that time you did not know that it was indeed panic attack and still I am afraid to use restroom in public place due the traumatic experiences that you and I in your age experienced and never expressed it due to the so called friends  supressed your voice by calling you liar, attention seeker and they have even abused you in the same restroom holding your shoulder against the wall and asking you to stop playing victim when you were actually voicing out the truth yet nothing happened because I was afraid of everyone. But trust me when you grow up you'll get an entire class of people who trust you and support you and even knows and understands the traumas and issues that you went through and give you moral and emotional support. Yes you were right in our school days when you said " when I grow up and enter the college phrase that chapter would be happiest and amazing in my life" and the same thing happened in our life. The fear that was given to you by those two teachers will disappear when you meet your wonderful supportive professors from our department of English language and literature.. yes you heard it right in the future you'll be taking a part of cultural studies in top college ie. Madras Christian College and yes you'll speak fluently in english and as well as you'll be studying other languages, start becoming fluent in them. The people who called you names when you spoke in english will be shocked but people won't change they'll still call you names , talk behind your back just like how they use to be when they were with you. At the time of distress you'll get to know who were truthful and loyal to you in our school time, you have to acknowledge them and thank then not in your heart just like everytime you do but go to them and tell then about your feelings of gratitude. 

I guess I have stressed 'trust me ' like more than once in this letter and honestly it's because I want you to trust in me and me in you because in the end you and I  we are same, I am you and you are me who is just going through hardships and facing the reality and trust me many of them are proud of us just because we did not commit killing ourself which was suggested by Mrs.Simon and trust me I'm happy of ourself for not listening to that creepy chemistry teacher. If you did what she told you to do on that day you wouldn't have experienced the blessing of God that he kept for you in your college life, from first day in college to till now in the midst of global pandemic , you will be in different place where it will continue to have problems in life but at the same time you'll be happy and lucky and also many lessons are there to be learned and mold ourself, so stay positive and be positive. and one more thing stop hugging people who don't deserve your hug because you'll find the people who are worthy of your hug  and you'll understand the power that a hug holds when people who love and trust you hug you back.

So stay strong, be kind, courageous, and most importantly "BELIEVE & TRUST YOURSELF and MOST IMPORTANTLY ON GOD'S PLAN".

Love,

the twenty year self from a better place

[p.s. I still love you]